it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize