there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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