I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
