Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So vagazzling was a success
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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