The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
