i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
