I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize