Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
