My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
