I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
