Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
