plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
