Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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