I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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