My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
