Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
