I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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