What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
