Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
