I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have aggressive nipples.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
