So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize