I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
