guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
