New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
