walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
