Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
