i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
