you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
