ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize