Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
