I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
