Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
