Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
