If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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