Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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