I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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