God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
should my penis look like a turkey
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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