Life is so much better after having sex.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
