get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
