So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
