He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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