I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
