How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
