i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
