I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
