Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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