I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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