You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
