I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
