i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
