Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
