did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
