I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
