If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I need to calm my uterus...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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