he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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