i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
