I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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