I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
