i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
