You smell like a Billy Joel song
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
