She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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