Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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