if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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