you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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