I can text with my tongue
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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