Ketchup is God's man juice
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Someone signed my nipple.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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