Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
it's like iHOP with fire
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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