I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
