So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
