i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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