she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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