Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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