I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
