gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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